Its been a long time.
Weeks, months, years even; its hard to remember through this fog that the pain has left in my mind.
(The Chaos of Self)
Of course there are times that ease the pain.
The little blessings, the moments of joy: a beautiful sunrise, a lovely conversation, and quiet moments with God. All these things have been rays of light breaking through the chaos in my brain. These moments of peace keep me moving forward. They remind me that "God works everything for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).
I know I have been called, in a recent relocation, in the desire to spread His light and love. Why I am in this new city, how will I spread that light and love?
These things I have yet to uncover, and pray continually for clarity. I know He will show up despite my uncertainty.
God never said all things will be good, and I can feel hope in that also, as I know no matter the pain or sorrow it will work out for the good of his kingdom. He utilizes all things, including our own imperfections and self induced pain: He takes these experiences and works them into the magnificent tapestry that is our existence as children of God.
As His child, I know through the good times, and the overwhelmingly profound pain, He is working.
I am confident that I am still on this earth for a reason, remember you are also. He has a plan for all of us, a plan for good (Jeremiah 29:11). He has a reason for our pain.
I have come to have faith and belief we are meant to not only feel and deal with the pain, we are meant to go THROUGH it. This is how we may learn and work toward utilizing our experiences to comfort and have the ability to empathize with others. In this act they may learn and be guided by our hope and testimony.
As I continue to move forward, I will keep his beautiful words of comfort and encouragement, that he has written in his love letter to us, in mind.
I will take solace and receive joy in the blessings, big and small.
I will allow myself to smile through the trial.