I have a mental health diagnosis which I combat daily. Some days are better than others; consequentially, some days are worse. I often get overwhelmed, and the thoughts come that I will never be normal, I will never have success. I get wrapped up in my mind's fear that I will never feel comfort and relief from this struggle; that I will never feel normal or have success.
What is normal? What is success? When I have moments of clarity I understand that normal is subjective and not always desirable; and success is defined and found in working through the struggle. To be able to fall, some times over and over, and get back up every time is the definition of perseverance and, in turn success.
There are still moments I feel that I am doomed to a life of pain; then I look to the sky and remember that God is in control. This understanding facilitates growth. It helps me to realize that each day, each moment, there is room to discover my own spirituality more deeply. This belief develops the ability to embrace the comfort of the Holy Spirit. It can be hard to accept that prayers do not always bring instantaneous relief or a sense of joy; and yet they are heard. It is especially hard to be grateful when God, regardless of our heart felt request, choses to let this pain exist for His good purpose (Jerimiah 29:11).
As Jesus gave his life for me; He went through the ultimate struggle so that I can commune with The Father. I must accept the fact that I will suffer with Him, through my struggle, for when I am weak He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:10). He suffered so that "one day" I can feel no pain, stress, worry, grief, and agony. It is crucial to understand that notion of "one day". God never says that this will happen in my lifetime. Yet walking in His path he does bless me with moments of peace and clarity. I need to be observant, looking for these moments, because they are consistently present. Often covered over by my own negativity and clouded by the stress of daily life. I must stay vigilant to find the good in the path He has laid out for me, through his plan for my life.
There have been so many times that I have reached for the goal of spreading light and love; and have felt like a failure, which makes me forget all the blessings and growth that I have experienced. At a times I can see this dream coming to fruition, while still holding my breath waiting for the "true" success. When I observe and mindfully appreciate these blessings, clarity hits. The realization that just to be on this journey is success.
I continue to pray for success; and yet, embrace the light and love in each moment.